UR$ 1.06

1.06 Money is only an Idea

What do you think about money?

No, I mean really- what ideas do you hold about money?

How do you feel when you think about “having money"?

Is money power or poison in your experience?

Does money do a good service to the world or keep it divided?

Should everyone in the household make money or should there be only one main provider?

Ask yourself these questions and explore what emotions or memories come up because chances are you never have.

Do you assume that everyone thinks of money as your family did like when you were growing up?

Is questioning money a defiant act in your circle?

How do the people around you treat people when they have money? When they need money?

I hope you are beginning to see that handling your checking account is so much more than just checking the balance before a purchase.

If you don’t know what you are building, if you don’t know how you will build it, and you don’t even know why you want money….. then you’re never gonna get large amounts of money and keep it.

Money is an idea. It’s like “class", “respect", “integrity"….abstract ideas that each person must define for themselves. 

One person considers daily, hourly calls to be “love" while another person considers not being bothered at work the idea of “love".

So what is your idea of “enough" money?

“Too much" money?

“Not worth the effort" money?

These are ideas that are unique to you and can’t be outlines in a Self Finances book.

Do you want to have free time or are you happiest when you devote 50 hours a week to a company? Only you know the truth for your own happiness.

I have witnessed too many times when couples get together and never talk about their ideas of money. They assume that because they are physically attracted to one another that the money “stuff" will just not be an issue.

But, of course, it always becomes an issue at some point.

Do you value birthday gifts over an emergency savings fund?

Is getting a massage every month more important than a monthly “date night"?

Should the dogs get gourmet food before the kids do?

These are all linked to your idea of money and what you are trying to build with it.

There is a popular buzzword “FIRE" that stands for Financially Independent Retired Early. And this is a very common topic in such groups- “How do you date during FIRE?”

Everyone expects games during a date. And most people assume millionaires should lie about their net worth until they find someone who cares about them more than their money.

But what about if you have your car paid off and your house almost paid off and haven’t purchased a new pair of jeans in 2 years? Do you put on your dating profile “I never eat out, don’t drive a fancy car, give a stock share for birthday gifts, and enjoy long walks to save gas"?

Money is an idea. Just like “soulmate", “freedom", and “community”. Before you can see what someone else values in life…you must know what you value.

Knowing what you value and then expressing that value through your habits and your standards is healthy.

Every self made billionaire built different paths for themselves. Thankfully we do not have to accumulate billions to live an abundant life.

So start asking yourself what financial abundance on your unique journey would mean.

And if you find you hold unhealthy, toxic, outdated, or unnecessary ideas about money….change your mind.

As children we adapted the implied beliefs of those around us, never realizing that we were witnessing them growing up too. It’s OK to question.

It is ok to change and to try new beliefs.

Money is only an idea in your head. You are in control.

It costs zero money to change your mindset.

Why Live 2.8

2.8 Glory is a Delusion

Especially in the time where people are exposed to so much content, “15 minutes of fame" has turned in “15 seconds" if you’re lucky.

I’m sure you have something at some point in your life where you feel pretty good about yourself. 

For my dad, it as bragging about how when he came home from the Marines he was stronger than his own father. I heard that brag at many different social gatherings.

It was his glory to tell all the world.

But I was humbled one day when my dad and grandfather were standing in the kitchen. I’d come in for some strawberry milk and my dad play wrestled me for it like he always did.

I told him to stop because his “tickles" were hurting. I’ll never forget my grandfather telling my dad to stop. My dad almost dropped me, he pulled away so fast.

Even though my dad would tell the whole world he was stronger than my grandfather… I witnessed the power of glory.

It has been repeated several times since that day where I have witnessed what people claim their glory to be…. is actually just a wish.

A delusion they created internally to make themselves feel stronger or more important or special.

It is a version of reality they desperately wish to live.

I’ve been cautious to keep my own tales of glory at bay. 

Life may not always be great but it is reality and I’d rather deal with reality than be helpless in a delusion.

Today, with social media, it’s typical to see post after post about all the glory people are experiencing through accomplishments and relationships. 

I have witnessed first had couples who post everything is perfect with their relationship vs couples who might not even post at all.

See, creating and maintaining glory is a management job. You have to promote the story, put energy behind it so people are moved by it, dedicate time in telling it over and over again, and you have to defend it from becoming someone else’s glory.

That’s fabrication.

Where people who do not seek glory can put their efforts, their time, and their attention towards something else.

A couple trying to make perfect backgrounds for their next picture are not actually connecting with one another. Sitting by a fire holding hands and talking about how much you like peanut butter and honey sandwiches would produce a much greater coupling.

The same is true about an artist friend who spent so much time trying to look attractive for his posts that he started to slack on his paintings. Glory is a delusion.

The couples who don’t seek glory post pictures too. But spur of the moment, les than perfect pictures.

The artists who adore their work post selfie with their art. In 3 day old pj’s with total bed head.

It’s all about living the love of life vs seeking the glory for others to think you are loving life.

A woman who talked about reading books to everyone reads less than I do. She was trying to brag to me about reading a book a week. Which is impressive and I let her live her glory. She never knew that I had read 8 books that week.

I read to explore other psyches. It fascinates me endless. Here is a world view that I could never have come up with on my own! But no one hears me bragging. I seek no glory for my love of life. I simple love it.

So ask yourself what areas are you loving your life and what areas are you seeking glory for that love?

In the time you put into posts about the perfect way to do your makeup, you could have been talking on the phone with your cousin and creating new hilarious inside jokes.

Glory does not last.

Glory is a delusion for your emotional deficit.

Why Live 2.7

2.7 Have Few Goals

The beginner in anything isn’t a master.

That should seem obvious to you but most of us have been caught up in setting expectations of our performance that is way above our current ability.

“Everyone has to start somewhere.”

“Start where you are.”

“A journey of a 1,000 miles starts with 1 step forward.”

Make yourself think of a goal you currently have.

Maybe it’s to win over your crush or to pay off some debt or to lose 10 lbs.

Whatever it is, think about it.

If you feel emotion when you think of it, keep that goal. If you don’t, think of a different one until you hit upon one that generates emotion in you.

Focus is best.

The goals that are emotional to you will keep your attention longer. Increasing the odds that you’ll finish your goal.

At the end of the day, for most of us, we still have several items on our To Do lists and they keep getting pushed off without any negative effects in our lives.

I have learned I get more done when I give myself only 2-4 goals for the day.

Focus is more productive than quantity. 

It was an adjustment for me at first because I had come to associate a long list of tasks accomplished with my self worth.

I went through all sorts of depressed states when I started keeping my To Do list limited at 4 goals.

See I had set the expectation internally that I should be doing 30-50 tasks a day to be happy. So I had set myself up to get depressed.

Once I learned what messages my emotions are actually telling me then it became easy to anticipate how I would react. I was already prepared to feel sad and had things in place to counteract it.

Day 1 of starting I knew wouldn’t be that bad because I was just “trying it out". So Day 3 I booked a massage. Followed by a lunch date with a good friend on Day 4.

Emotions are going to happen, don’t try to stop being human. Learn to understand the feelings, to anticipate them, and to cope with them so you can keep focused on your life goals.

Emotions are a part of life so work them into your goals.

I actually assign a feeling with each daily goal as a guess about how I will feel. It’s become a fun mental game to me- how well do I know myself?!

Sometimes I’m right but sometimes I’m surprised by the emotions that come up. And I love when I’m surprised because the emotions (now that I’m not fighting them) are telling me my core expectations and standards.

When you know where you are then you can make a better plan on how to get where you want to go.

When I was in the mindset of having a ton of goals a day I wasn’t aware that I was pushing off the big important goals just so I could tell myself that I was doing a good job.

It wasn’t until I only allowed myself to focus on 2-4 goals a day that I became aware of it.

Instead of making a YouTube video I’d run the store then take out the trash then food prep for the week and then do a workout.

The things I were doing were healthy tasks. But they weren’t moving my life forward.

I’ve come to ask this 1 question of every single goal I set “Is completing this task moving my life forward or just running me in circles?”

Life will waste your entire life if you let it. And most people do.

You aren’t fighting them, your real enemy is entropy. 

All of life, the very definition of life, is organisms that can resist entropy. Because we can’t defeat it. One day, we all die. So make your efforts count. Focus.

Why Live 2.6

2.6 Vitamins are Self Love

Unless you live in lands enriched naturally, chances are good that the food you can buy is depleted of nutrients.

Oh sure, it will look delicious and probably taste very sugary. But the nutritional content will be low.

Humans are evolved to survive. If you are in a modern city then chances are that you are told to constantly be eating.

You snack in between meals and then add on appetizers and desserts. You watch TV or read a book with a high calorie drink. 

In fact, some of you don’t even let your Worm Brain rest overnight because you shuffle over to the fridge for a late night munchie.

I always suggest people take some tests to discover their blood type, their current vitamin levels, and their family history. We are living in the information age so use that to your advantage. 

Do you even know how many vitamins the human body needs?

Do you know their roles in the body processes?

If you don’t know how your body works then how can you get upset when it breaks down? 

And once it does start to become off-balanced there are plenty of industries eager and willing to take all your money then still not educate you about your nutritional needs.

It is your choice what you do with your life and staying controlled is the easiest choice that leads to the hardest life.

You’ll have excuses come up, we all do. It’s not fun to read nutritional journals, read them anyways. It’s emotionally unrewarded to try to keep with a new group workout, do what you can just keep moving. It’s embarrassing to tell people at holidays that you won’t eat the treats they have prepared, don’t consume anything that hurts your Worm Brain.

Start small.

For me it was Vitamin A. I learned about its role in the body while researching hair production. You see, I’ve always had thin hair that comes out by the handful a day when I brush. Growing up it happened to everyone else in my home so I just assumed that was genetic. Turns out my life long diet had lead to a deficiency in my body’s ability to synthesis proteins efficiently.

So I started with a tiny pill a day.

That’s all it takes. A little self education and then a little habit change.

Stay consistent with it and you will feel the results.

This isn’t about trying to lose weight or gain muscle or look a certain way.

This is about mental clarity, being able to sleep throughout the night for deep repair, having steady levels of energy, and quality of life.

Focus on the health and your best looks will emerge so don’t focus on it. Pay attention to your food sources and learn how your body actually works.

I know you’ll want to quit, especially in the beginning with only a vague faith to keep you going.

And it’s one of those things in life where if you never experience it then you’ll never fully understand it.

Being a young girl, of course I heard about babies and childbirth. But until I experienced it for myself I really had no grasp of what a change the body goes through.

I had heard of intermittent fasting but until I actually made it a practice in my life, I had no clue how “foggy" my brain had gotten. The first week was especially challenging because I was very out of balanced. But the 2nd week I noticed my vision wasn’t getting blurry in the evenings anymore. By the next month, my mental clarity was so focused that old projects that I’d been putting off now seemed like joyful games that I couldn’t wait to get back into.

I made small changes, adjusted. Then re-evaluated. If needed, made another small change and adjusted.

This doesn’t have to be a great show of effort. Just a start with a vitamin.

Why Live 2.5

2.5 Self Regulation of Social Media

I went to high school before there was such a thing as YouTube or Facebook.

Most of my friends didn’t even have computers let alone years of selfie on Instagram. 

So this whole culture of self documentation for social gain doesn’t really make sense to me.

I have coached many people who seem obsessed with knowing who posted what about whom. Other than like 8 people, I really have no curiosity about the events of other people’s lives.

So I was shocked to find out that I was addicted to social media too. It was brought to my attention when I was advised to keep all blue light emitting devices away from you for the first hour of your day and the last 2 hours of your day so that your brain can wake normally and shut down for sleep naturally.

I was full of self confidence- until I realized that meant no scrolling Facebook for my motivational memes, no YouTube for my morning podcasts, no Pandora for my background noise, and no typing on my next book!

I was less than happy.

When that hour timer (a kitchen timer mind you not my phone) went off… I about leapt to my phone to have my daily dose of motivation, education, and expression.

We are social animals and we evolved to crave interaction with others. Social media let’s us have all the pretty happy side of Socializing without any of the fears of rejection. So it’s only logical that many people have found comfort in it.

And I think we all enjoy being comfortable most of the time.

So don’t stop. Just become aware and start to structure your habits around social media.

As I have already stated, I have learned that an hour in the morning and a 2 hour period of night with a strict no phone/computer time was a great starting point for me.

Now, note that I said Regulation and restriction. Don’t starve yourself of your social needs.

Just become aware of how often you seek a certain feeling from social media.

Then play with other options that might give you the same feeling. 

If you’re a little lost and don’t know what feelings you get then I suggest you buy a little notebook and start writing them down as they come to you.

This is all about becoming aware of the self.

It’s easier to “just be and see where it goes" and our brains do try to conserve energy wherever possible. So understand that you will have a tendency to want to avoid.

If self exploration and maturing were pleasurable then everyone would do it.

Social media can be healthy or unhealthy. Plenty of content is available for learning new skills, for becoming aware of how your body and Psyche work. But there is also a lot of toxic content. 

Become aware of what you are observing and why. Videos and photos are artificial and that means that our brains and our bodies are not naturally equipped to deal with them. In any amount.

Regulating how much blue light you expose yourself, consciously choosing healthy content to consume, and being happy without social media prompts are powerful first steps.

I know, I do, that seeking happiness is an addiction we all have. I get it. Many times when we do something to self discipline,  we tell ourselves that it’s a punishment.

But is it really punishment to commit to being independent emotionally? 

To declare that power over your emotional responses will be taken away from the content creators and given solely to you.

Because that is the theme I have seen in every unhealed person- they are not in control, the emotions are controlling them.

I want you to heal. I want you to gracefully self regulate and express yourself consciously. 

Peer pressure, shiny objects, and “SQUIRREL” effect are very real.

It’s time you took control. 

Why Live 2.4

2.4 I Value My Emotional Experiences

I’ve been the only female in most of my trucking jobs. As such, I’ve been haggled with sayings like “oh careful, she’s gonna cry about it" or “you can’t hold a logical conversation with a woman” and many more variations of ignorance.

While it is true that men and women both feel emotions….it is also true that women feel emotions more intensely and men process emotions differently. 

A man’s brain can be thinking or feeling. A woman’s brain, thanks to some nerves connecting both sides of the brain, is always doing both.

This is where the sexes have many issues that get “lost in translation”.

When explaining women, I ask the guys to think of the last time they were overcome with high emotion. Maybe a bar fight or the loss of a parent.

Then I ask them to explain what that was like in a few words. “seeing red" “blacking out" “jekyll and hyde" “hulking out" are common answers to describe how “out of control" they were in those moments of high emotion.

Then I ask the “how quickly were you able calm down after that?” 

The most common answers are: immediately or pretty quick.

I explain that they were in their thinking brain but then they went into their feeling brain. Once the feeling had run its course, they switched back over to the thinking brain. Most men seem to get this explanation.

Then I tell them “Now imagine that you were never able to switch between thinking or feeling but instead were always on some level of ‘seeing red/hulking out' that never left you.”

Usually the responses are “I’d be exhausted" and “No way, no one can function like that all the time!”

This is the point where I tell them now they understand why women are always exhausted and can’t seem to function logically.

When a man processes a situation, he is able to apply pure logical thought to it.

A woman is not. She must feel always and feelings are not logical.

Now, a woman can apply logic *after* she feels. Another reason why most women come back with an apology after a fight. 

The same is true that men apply emotions after the logic. “The chair broke and we easily afford to buy a new one. But now that you tell me your best friend gave it to you, I can see why you are feeling sad.”

I value my emotional experiences.

They are each little friends and confidantes that support me and guide me through life because I have taken the time to learn them, to understand them, and to nurture them.

But I do not ask men to tap into their emotions. I ask them to think about it logically and then guess at an emotion that might be a result of that particular situation. 

Just as I don’t ask women to think about it situation,  I ask them to explore how they feel.  Then I ask them to apply some logic to the situation. 

If men would let women feel first and women would let men process logic first, many relationships would blossom.

Women love the logic that a healthy man can provide such as making plans and figuring out finances. And men love to experience a healthy woman emotionally expressing herself such as dancing and laughing.

As I said, maturing is about learning the subtle variations in life. While men and women both feel emotions, they effect us differently. 

A woman is always a little illogical and exhausted, especially if she has a higher IQ.

A man is always a little emotionally insensitive, especially if he’s single.

Accept our differences and value our emotional experiences. 

We are amazing multiple systems wrapped in skin and that makes us all a little weird.

So embrace that you’re a weirdo and that they are weirdos too.

It makes life so much more manageable. 

Why Live 2.3

2.3 I Value My Health

Being a sad teenager and imagining you’re going to die from a heated battle with a dragon is definitely different than being middle aged and having your doctor tell you the odds that you’ll be dead within 5 years.

I see people use food like I did- a socially acceptable drug, an avoidance tactic, a reward, a punishment, and a burden.

I guess since it’s been an automatic part of our lives since we were conceived that most of us have never really stopped to marvel at how perfectly weird our bodies are.

I used to think that a stomach was to breakdown food. After all, that’s what everyone told me. “Food goes in one end and poop comes out the other.”

The epiphany for me came during my phase where I was obsessed with fossils (I still have an abundant pleasure towards them, just not giving so much of my time to them now) and I learned that from the fossil evidence worms seem to be the first organisms to move out of the oceans and into living “on land" full time.

Have you ever considered what a worm is?

It’s a stomach. A long stomach. It’s fascinating to study it’s “brain" which is just a few hundred neurons.

Keep that in mind when you learn that your colon has neurons too. Like a whole bunch more than a worm.

So your stomach and colon are actually their own living entity wrapped inside your skin. I now call them my Worm Brain.

So when I have food in front of me, I now ask myself “is this something that will help my Worm Brain function in a healthy manner?” 

That was a habit changer for me. Rewards such as sugar were then categorized as “NOPE" for my Worm Brain.

See, emotions are from the mammalian part of the brain- it doesn’t actually digest the foods. So it became illogical to eat foods based on my moods. That would be like my neighbor dictating what kind of fuel I put in the tank of my car. Illogical.

The emotions and the stomach are just neighbors. Yeah they gotta put up with each other over all…..but keep them in their separate houses with their separate rules.

Find a different way to change your emotional state and start feeding your Worm Brain according to its actual nutritional needs.

I value my health. For me, that meant learning the vital role that insulin plays in the body. I starting taking daily potassium, like 2,000 MG a day. As I did that, what I now call Feeling Foods became unappealing to me. The cupcakes and ice creams and puddings were still pretty and I appreciated them in the shop windows… but I stopped eating them.

What I now call Worm Food is anything that I can identify in it’s natural state. Such as avocados, eggs, spinach, wild rice, etc.

Cereal is a Feeling Food. Raw Shrimp cooked at home is Worm Food. 

It’s pretty easy to food shop once you start respecting your Worm Brain and refusing to give management over to the mammalian brain’s feelings.

I know, I know many people get weirded out when I start talking about multiple brains and treating each system inside your body as a separate entity. 

But I don’t get why.

People are perfectly accepting of saying “my" car is made up wheels and an engine and an electrical system. Your body is made of many independently functioning systems but collectively they are still “a body".

And more than ever before we have access to understanding our individual body needs. What foods are you sensitive to? Which range are the varying bacteria in your body? What’s your blood type?

All these questions were impossible to answer even 2 generations ago.

We are so blessed to be able to take simple tests and get this wealth of information to prioritize our health.

Why Live 2.2

2.2 I’m Not Always Important

When you are in an environment where you’re attacked over everything you do, as a self protection habit, you defend yourself.

All the time.

Over everything.

Even to yourself from your self attacks.

Because you know your needs are important. Being a door mat for everyone else is unhealthy and toxic.

Over the years I have learned that I can still be important even while others are actively trying to socially condition me.

You can attack my character, criticize my actions, call me names, and tell others about how “BLANK" I am.

It’s OK.

Because I’m not always Important.

Someone feeling so insecure in themselves to spread lies about me so that they gain social importance is much more important. 

Like a magician, they want you looking My actions so that they never need to be accountable for their Emotional “slight of hand".

Now, when someone is trying to give me a bad reputation, I value their healing over my need to tell my side.

The next time you catch yourself trying to defend your character, consider responding instead with “I wish you healing". And mean it. Because their issues are much greater than whatever drama they are trying to start.

I have found it a better use of my time to figure out what times I am important. Like having a genuine vulnerability with someone I can trust. In those times I do need to state my fears, my needs, and my desires.

And there are levels of importance that change situation to situation.

If I worked out hard that day, it is more important that I sleep well than write.

However, if I have a deadline due, then it is more important that I write than work out. 

It all comes down to learning yourself,  prioritizing your goals, and holding yourself accountable to your values.

When I am in a group of strangers, it’s not important that they know I’m a writer by obsession. However, if that group tries to isolate someone because of their obsession, then I will absolutely speak up and make it known. I am not important. Standing up for what I value is important.

And it’s OK if you have no clue what you value.

It has taken me a lifetime to figure out mine. And that’s the beauty of it- you have your entire life’s time to figure yourself out, to try out different ways, and to define yourself. 

As long as you’re breathing then you’ve still got time.

History is an amazing took to humble yourself. 

We know that the richest pharaohs of Egypt would absolutely marvel at the toilet that you used today. They would consider you richer than them for having clean water every time you flushed.

Think about that if you’re sitting on your thrown reading this right now.

Or how about history’s great kings of the 1500s marveling at your 20 year old Honda Civic? They would consider you wealthy indeed.

I am not important.

My paid-in-full prepaid phone with it’s cracked screen and scratched back is important because that’s how I type my books when I travel. Someone thinking my phone makes me of a lower status is not a time that I am important.

At a safety meeting when they ask for feedback, I am important with my experience and suggestions.

I’ve also picked up a hand set of sayings.

Try these out sometime.

“I’m feeling vulnerable right now, can I be heard all the way through?”

“I’ve definitely got an opinion but it’s not important right now, I’m actually far more curious about what you’ve got to say"

There are times that you are important, absolutely. 

Just learn that it’s not all the time.

Wish the other person healing (even if it’s your own thoughts attacking you) and dedicate your efforts towards what is important for you to continue to heal and to build your peace.

Why Live 2.1

2 No Glory In Self Neglect

When life has drained me, it is silly to drain myself of life.

2.1 Self Discipline is Powerful

The awesomeness in me recognizes the awesomeness in you.

Because we really are awesome.

As Grant Cardone says “If you want to succeed then find your routine and do it over and over and over again. Consistency is success.”

And don’t stress, you’re already awesome. You’re already consistent with something.

The fun part is discovering what you’re consistent with and then playing with new options.

Maybe you already are consistent about the type of soda you drink. Once you become aware of this, try a new flavor once in awhile. 

My favorite pop is Root Beer. I love the vanilla and sugary goodness at any time for any occasion.

At my trucking job they had a soda pop machine with Root Beer. When I became aware that I was drinking it daily, I used that consistency to build a healthier habit. Each day when I went for the machine, I then sat down and wrote a small journal entry while I drank it.

In that next month I made so much progress emotionally and enjoyed my vanilla sugary goodness.

Build upon your current successes. Life has more progress when you see yourself as a fun ever-evolving building project. I know, I know most people see themselves as something to attack and shun and shame.

But come on, aren’t we all a little bored of all the self depreciation?

I mean, seriously.

We are functioning adults and so what if most of us function on caffeine and social media?

Use the habits and routines that you already have to add to your bag of awesomeness. That’s self discipline. 

Like this book- I made a commitment to write a little bit of this book before *each* time that I check social media. Let me tell ya, I made quick progress!

Self discipline, when done right, is rewarding not painful.

Life is full of oddities to get curious about and new skills to fiddle with. Find out what your favorite fruit is, explore different colored socks, go to a new place a roll a die to see what you’re ordering…. Explore!

Once you know what works for you then stick with it.

When I was OTR (over the road truck driver), I lived out of a duffel bag. I quickly discovered that black shoes, black pants, black bras, and a dimly lit cab made finding clothes frustrating.

The only thing I could always determine were my red sneakers. And thus began my life long dedication to red shoes.

No, seriously, ask anyone who has seen my collection. Aside from my black Harley Davidson motorcycle boots… all red.

And I love it. Strangers have actually approached me and said they recognize me by my red shoes. Hahaha 

From that habit, I changed to polka dot shirts because they were easier to see in the dark. After a year of that, I bought a comfortable grey and white striped shirt. The moment I tried it on I broke out in a smile and decided I wanted that smile the rest of my life- thus my grey and white shirts with red shoes.

I told you I was awesome.

Become aware of your habits. Then use them to add to your awesomeness. 

It’s about defining who you are.

I am a total home body. Give me some snacks, a fireplace by the window, and a library…. I’ll forget what month it is. So wearing the same look everyday the rest of life is comforting to me.

But I have girlfriends who would never be caught wearing the same look twice. They love to spend hours thinking of colors and shapes and trends.

The point of healing is to realize that you are worth being different from the group AND still being accepted.

Take your power, define yourself and love your worth.

Why Live 1.16

1.16 I Forgive You

Dear pain,

I forgive you.

For all the energy it has taken to experience you, I forgive you. 

For all the tears and yelling and violence and self harm and damaged relations, I forgive you.

For those nights I couldn’t sleep a wink and for those days I couldn’t bear to get out of bed, I forgive you.

For the confusion and the failed attempts and the false guides, I forgive you.

For the toxic trauma bonds with others hurting, I forgive you.

For all the self doubting, self blaming, and self shunning, I forgive you.

For making me weak and scared and vulnerable to manipulation, I forgive you.

For the breakdowns at work and the drama at home, I forgive you.

For the past generations that lead directly to me meeting you, I forgive you. 

For the next generation who will be introduced to you, I forgive you.

For the unspoken words and the missed opportunities, I forgive you.

I forgive you and now I forget you, I love my worth.

Why Live 1.15

1.15 I Reject Your Unhealed Pain

Dear person who hurt me,

I get it. I really do. Actually better than you do.

My pain is valid in my reaction to your treatment of me but you don’t understand that.

It seems as if all you can see is how to protect yourself from taking accountable steps to heal yourself.

You hurt me because you were hurting. But you don’t seem to see that.

When I tell you to respect me, you accuse me of being disrespectful. 

Are you tired of seeing everything and everyone else as the causes of your emotional roller coaster?

Would you like to get off the ride and learn how to live in peace with your reality?

It seems to me that you would. And I’d like to help, I really would! But you have already labeled me as The Enemy so everything I say is walled off from your heart.

I reject your unhealed pain as my own because it is not.

My joy will not sink equal to your pain. And that doesn’t make me a heartless person incapable of empathy.

I do have empathy for your current inner struggle. I’ve been there! But I now have the gift of wisdom and self accountability  for my pain.

My pain is mine, no one else’s. Just as I hope you one day learn the wisdom that your pain is yours. No amount of my pain can ever ease your pain.

I’m sorry that we can not seem to find a common ground to see just how much we love one another.

Insecurities and walls seem to play ping pong with our good intentions.

Are we broken? And if so, how can we find value in our brokenness?

Because I still see your value. I honor your journey and I want our love to be the foundation of our futures.

Maybe it’ abuse for you to keep expressing your pain. Maybe it’s a lack of self worth that I stay.

I’m not sure.

I’m confused.

No matter how much I grow, it seems that you are determined to stay where you say you are miserable.

All my life, I’ve heard you say that you are doing the best you can. Really?

Is the best you can do is to avoid the truth? I guess I believe in you more than you believe in yourself. 

Because I see an amazing person who is strong and capable. How can I get you to see your worth like I see it?

You’re worth peace of mind.

You’re worth loving yourself. 

You’re worth quality connections with healthy people.

Who hurt you? Who gave you an experience where you internalized that you should scared to love yourself?

Who made you choose them over yourself? So that now you always choose your pain as your identity instead of the amazing ability you have to explore and experience. 

I reject your unhealed pain because I reject that self protection is who you are.

Self protection is a skill to use in certain situations but it is not a whole person. It can never identity an entire being.

I will hold you to the magnificence that I see behind the self protection.

You will always be allowed to love your worth when you are with me. And I will continue to be a graceful example of how to peacefully reject unhealed pain for the journey of healing.

For I know firsthand the confusion, the tremendous amount of energy, and the uncertainty of that journey.

It’s a lot to deal with, I get it.

But please, have confidence in your ability to endure the journey and come through it with a renewed faith in your worth.

Someone else said you had less worth and somewhere along the line you agreed with them.

It’s time to stop agreeing. It’s time to reject their poor evaluation skills and to step into the magnificence that I know you are.

Why Live 1.14

1.14 What Wounds Did You Accept?

Being an emotional rebel, it has become almost automatic for me to reject people’s attempts to emotionally wound me.

In fact, I think it’s only happened once in my life where I accepted an emotional wound. 

When the father of my children told me he was leaving us to live the rest of his life presenting as a woman, I accepted when he said I was at fault.

Years of emotionally depending on this man, exhausted from raising 2 small kids all by myself, and self conscious about being well overweight… I was wide open for emotional manipulation. 

Compound that with my mother saying she wanted to repair our relationship…only to kidnap my children and tell blatant lies about me to justify her actions…and I was wounded.

So wounded that I wanted to die. For the first time,, I understood my father’s choice.

At the time my inner messages were “I’m a failure as a daughter, a failure as a wife, and now a failure as a mom…what is my purpose?”

Talk about a deep wound! And at the time my only “social support" was the cement slab that I wept on every night. 

At the time, I was not aware that I had accepted a wound. The only thing I knew was that I was confused and hurting and missing my kids and in so much pain that I lost track of the days often.

It’s been 7 years since that wound and I can’t say it’s healed fully. But I am confident to say that I reject that wound now.

My mother and father were unhealed long before I was born- I am a daughter not a miracle worker.

His decision to reject himself and present a lie for his own emotionally unhealed wounds happened long before he pursued me and asked me to be his life partner- I am a woman not his internal messages.

And being away from Aidin and Ilia was absolutely never my choice- I am a survivor who made the commitment to becoming a healthy example for my children.

At the time that I write this, I am the age that my father was when he killed himself. I think of how much life I have experienced these past 20 years and of how much I could have used healthy guidance.

He chose to leave his kids permanently.  I have not chosen to be away from my kids for 7 years. I do not accept the wound any longer.

What wound have you accepted? 

Think about what labels you accept. Do the people around you always introduce you as “the quiet one" or “the jock" or “the funny guy"?

So you “live up to" that label to be accepted by the group…but internally you don’t like how it feels. That is you accepting a wound instead of living your truth.

Do you justify your acceptance your emotional wounds?

Some people start to identify with their pain until the misery of reliving a past pain becomes comforting.

I have seen 70 year old men and women still claiming that something that happened to them 50 years ago gives them an excuse to still be hurting emotionally.

I have learned for myself that the most challenging part of healing is to not allow myself the comfort revisiting past pain.

It is not my burden to carry my past. It is my responsibility to create my values and to follow up with healthy actions. 

No, it’s not always fun and most times very uncomfortable to do all this inner emotional work. I still make my emotional growth a priority. 

I have witnessed people get bitter towards life when the same effort could help them live better.

I am not going to accept my wounds as my identity. They will heal and I will forget about them in a healthy manner.

Are you ready to identify the wounds you have accepted?

Why Live 1.13

1.13 Evaluate Your Values

Just take a look at dating profiles and you’d have high hopes for humanity.

Seems everyone values honesty and real connection and just looking to be loved.

Compare that with the reality of cheating, shallow dates, and using others for self entertainment.

Clearly people are not aware of their actual values.

One person’s definition of “honesty" might be to not tell others certain details while another’s might be full disclosure. 

Vague terms of values only go so far with others….they do nothing for your own self growth.

My father talked about pride as his #1 value and yet, when everyone had gone home, he was extremely insecure.

I witnessed displays of values in social gatherings that were never followed up on home. It seemed to tear them apart to pretend to be something for the social acceptance of others. And I decided that social rejection was better than inner turmoil.

And, yes, I have spent many years alone.

I value my peace of mind because I witnessed to so many emotionally unhealed people growing up.

As an adult, I have come to learn how to value my physical health just as much.

My actions match my values. I turn down social engagements with people who are negative. I eat according to my dietary routine not emotional impulses.

But it wasn’t always this way. As I said, I grew up around liars and pretenders so I had to figure out what my values were.

To do this, I first recorded my habits for 2 years. Yes, you read that right – I never said healing was a quick journey.

I learned through the recording of my habits that I valued feeling superior and I  valued “outsmarting" others. I also learned that I was becoming a version of the very toxic behaviors that I hated.

So I went through a deliberate self humbling journey. I would not speak when I knew an answer- which felt like total fraud at the time. I would practice sayings such as “I appreciate you" and “I hadn’t thought of it like that, please tell me more" even though I had already emotionally decided this person wasn’t worth my time.

I needed to learn how to value people for the flawed miracles that they were. Not their potential, not their future goals, and not for what they could do for me.

I needed to value people as valuable.

When I started doing that I learned how little I valued myself. 

It all comes back to becoming curious.

I was curious why I didn’t value myself if I thought I was superior to others.

I was curious about how a person could become the traits they despised in others. It was about that time that I read the book “Why you behave in ways you hate" and learned that kids either accept, rebel, or emulate the way they are treated by others.

This has helped me many times since to evaluate my values.

I simply ask myself “Am I accepting, rejecting, or emulating this other person’s values?”

We accept, we reject, or we copy.

That is how humans adapt. 

I suggest you think about your closest social group. Did you become part of the group by accepting their social rules?  Or are the “weird oitsider" they tolerate for the social acceptance of one the members of the group? Or maybe you simply just started talking and acting like them?

I went through each person I knew and put myself in 1 of those 3 categories. I learned I was a rebel. Always the weird outsider brought in by a single person.

I learned I valued my truth over social acceptance because I could entertain myself alone but I could not sleep at night trying to remember who to tell what when so everyone was happy. 

Learning your current values is brutally important. That’s who you really are at your core and you deserve to know who you really are.

Why Live 1.12

1.12 Anger in Standards

Anger is a very amazing emotion. It’s powerful and conveys so much more than we give it credit for.

In a way, I appreciate people who can be fully enraged because they are expressing their core beliefs purely. No filter can exist when people are completely committed to being pissed off.

They do say that only 3 types of people tell the truth: children, drunks, and the angry.

I’m comfortable feeling my anger. I see it as a close companion, a bodyguard always protecting my standards. 

While I feel my anger internally, I have learned to express my standards calmly. After all, my standards do not have to be everyone’s standards so it would be pointless of me to try to get others to feel anger when I do.

I’d like you to think of the last time you felt anger. Doesn’t matter if you expressed that anger or not. All that matters is that you felt it.

Try to recreate that feeling of anger while asking yourself “what standards of mine were being violated?”

The answers may surprise you. 

Once, I got incredibly angry at where my coworker had parked our truck. I was totally infuriated and tbh I was also confused.

Why would I get so angry at walking to a different spot?

Since I was able to be curious about the emotion instead of being drowned in my fury, I was able to handle the situation with calm and grace.

I will say it as many times as I need to- the emotion itself is not what holds the power. It is just a message from the mammalian brain to the neocortex.

We hold the power because we decide what internal messages we will believe.

And it is amazing what we will believe!

Think about it.

Every religion ever recorded has rituals that invoke emotion. When we add emotion to a thought, we believe it and protect it because it “feel" right.

Athletes who perform higher than normal because they “felt" the game that day. 

People who get married shortly after meeting because they “felt" it was fate.

Take away the emotion and people lose beliefs in their deity, athletes don’t perform as well, and people once deeply “in love" become complete strangers again.

Never under estimate the power of your emotions. They really are running the show and anger is telling you what your standards are.

So I encourage you to get curious about your own standards. And your truest, deepest standards are revealed when you feel anger. Pay attention and get curious.

Let us go back to my anger at where the truck was parked. I got curious and “observed" my anger thoughts. So I asked my standards. Then the anger thoughts were about having a system that needed to be followed. Again, without adding new emotion, I asked my standards.

This went on dozens of time over the next few days. (I told you, I enjoy being curious about how I operate)

Eventually it focused on how if I “do the right things” then I’m supposed to get the reward. In this particular case, I had dove into getting better and better paying jobs so that mom would let me talk to my son and daughter again without drama.

It was that instance of a misparked truck that led me to realize just how miserable I was working a job and I vowed to start turning my focus towards my real passion- writing.

Do you see what I mean? Get curious because we are some amazing individuals who all have standards that are being violated.

Learn to appreciate the anger messages because anger really is your bodyguard against others (and even yourself) violating your standards.

Once you figure out what your current standards are then you can start to decide if you want to make any adjustments.

Have fun with your life, go get a little angry and see where it takes you.

Why Live 1.11

1.11 Sadness of Expectations 

Next time that you are sad instead of asking “why am I sad?” try asking “what expectations did I have that weren’t met?”

This does 2 things for you. 1) it allows you to evaluate something that is within your control- your expectations and 2) it allows you to be accountable that you’re feeling sad because of you not some outside force.

I get it, you had an expectation about how the situation should have gone. But then it didn’t work in your favor. Bummer.

Now is the time to evaluate if you had realistic expectations. 

As a writer, I’m always expecting projects to happen quickly. Probably because my mind is constantly running over ideas and possibilities. But, inevitably, I don’t meet a deadline or people who promised to buy my book suddenly vanish. 

I have learned that expecting people to be able to keep up with my mind (yes, even myself) or to expect people to keep their verbal agreements is setting me up for a sadness session later on.

I will admit, it’s kinda cool when I can realistically predict how I’ll emotionally react to something before it actually happens. And sometimes I even doubt if I’ll be right about how I will feel so, as a self experiment, I’ll let it play out just to see.

That’s all the hold my emotions have on me anymore- an idle curiosity for when I have the time.

I have learned to go into all social situations with a detached curiosity.  Not expecting anything to happen. Just “rolling the social dice" and seeing what comes up. 

Many of my closest connections have come from this approach. I go about my life, pursuing my goals, and leaving myself open to see how people choose to express themselves. 

I’ve had friends call me up and say “I felt really sad the other day and thought of calling you but I knew you’d just ask me what my expectations were so I journalled instead…” 

I take pride that I have a consistency of character that I can help friends even when I am not there.

Because we all have expectations, always. It’s a conscious effort to accept the unknown. It’s bravery to be vulnerable.

And, personally, I appreciate my feelings of sadness. They have guided me many times to discover my deeper expectations and then I am freed to evaluate if my expectations are healthy.

I was sad a man didn’t call me when he said he would- decided that was a healthy sad and thanked myself for having that expectation.

Another time I was sad that I only wrote 3 chapters of a book in a day where many outside forces required my time- decided that expecting myself to be able to control 100% of my environment was not healthy.

Again- the emotion is meaningless until we assign it a value with our internal messages.

Just because you feel sadness does not mean you need to slow down, cry, or eat ice cream. It just means you had an expectation not being met.

Now you can either meet your own expectations or change them.

Take accountability for your emotions- not blame.

There is nothing wrong or “bad" about being responsible for your emotions. Being responsible is not the same as being 100% in control. So don’t set that expectation.

You aren’t in control. You’re just responsible for understanding the internal messages and choosing your actions.

I know, when you’ve been sad a long time, it takes a toll on you. You don’t have as much motivation, chances are you don’t have a strong social group to guide you, and your body will be giving you messages to conserve energy.

“Just sleep. Just watch 1 more season.”

In these times you need to change your expectations of yourself first. 

Feeling sad is ok. Refusing to evaluate your expectations and staying stuck emotionally is unhealthy.

You owe it to yourself, what do you expect?

Why Live 1.10

1.10 Unhealthy Actions Aren’t Acceptable. 

It’s healthy to learn how to feel your emotions. It’s vital that you learn your own internal messaging. And it is unacceptable to take unhealthy actions.

Just because your crush doesn’t call you back, doesn’t mean you should cut yourself.

So you feel full of life and important around someone, doesn’t mean you should try to break up their marriage. 

The point of learning your internal messages is so that you can take control of your habits. It is not to become controlled by your impulses.

I saw a beautiful interview once where a theist was talking to an atheist. The theist expressed their fear that without religion people would rape and murder. The atheist replied “I rape as much as I want. I murder as much as I want. And that amount is zero. I don’t need religion to be a decent human being.”

The same is true for all of us. Having the urge to slam on your breaks when someone is following too close does not mean you have to take that action.

When you become aware of your emotions then you can begin to craft your internal messages. 

When someone calls and you feel sad, you’ll begin to take ownership of your power to choose what that Sadness means. You could conclude that sadness means you miss and value that person. Or you can conclude that sadness means you need to let that person leave your life.

The more often you practice, the quicker you will become. 

As I’ve said before,  you are already doing this process. You are already feeling all the time. And your brain is already deciding what those emotions mean.

A man might feel nervous around a woman and conclude it means he really likes her. While he might be nervous around another woman and concludes it’s because he doesn’t trust her. All of it unconscious. His I only awareness is that he is attracted to 1 woman and wary of another.

Take control. Start becoming aware of what you’re feeling. Then become aware of the little conclusions you’re drawing in response to your emotions.

This won’t happen quickly if you’ve been conditioned your whole life to shun emotions.

The first step I encourage people to do is to start verbalizing the emotions that they see in others.

“It seems to me that you’re upset, can I help with that?”

Most people are conditioned to shun emotions so expect most reactions to be a denial. That’s OK. We aren’t trying to change the other person, we are improving your own ability to recognize emotion.

Remember,  this is about your internal messages which motivate your habits. Speak with compassion and curiosity.

Perhaps someone broke one of your tools at work and you find yourself angry. Instead of stomping off to yell at someone, try pausing and sitting with that anger.

Maybe that anger triggers an internal message that you can’t afford a new tool because you’re an incompetent lover. Now you know this is a self esteem issue.

Maybe instead the anger triggers an internal message that you are not valued at your job and there is no respect. Now you know that you should be looking for another job.

Learn to separate the emotion from the internal message. Once you can do this you can then “observe" your emotional responses instead of react to them.

When you can choose how you respond to your emotions, you can be healthy for others around you.

It will be easier for you to understand which people around you are reacting instead of responding. And it will help you to become aware when you are beginning to react yourself.

The important thing is to hold yourself accountable for being healthy with your actions.

Once you know better, start doing better. You’ll catch yourself more often. Don’t aim for perfection- sometimes you’ll get catch up in the emotions and need time away.

That’s OK.

Why Live 1.9

1.9 Your Pain Is Valid.

I know that we are taught to minimize our own pain to appease our caretakers.

From not going to the bathroom when we want to (potty training) to being forced to eat food we don’t want (cleaning our plate), we learn quickly to ignore our own needs for social acceptance. 

When we cried and our caretakers ignored us, our newborn brains had the instinct that we were vulnerable and studies have shown that emotional pain is physical pain.

So the pain you feel when someone ignores you, is valid. The pain you feel when you hold back from doing something that would please you, is valid.

You were just socially conditioned before you had the ability to meet your own needs.

And it doesn’t end in childhood. We must give up our needs for school and then our jobs. Most people are in this cycle so long that they are confused by their own children’s behavior. Thus many parents take pride in how early they can crush the will of their toddlers, ignore the pains expressed by these new souls.

This kind of conditioned behavior is also where you see many people adopt a “Transactional “ mindset. That humans aren’t to be respected but used for your will. After all, as children, they were never respected and just treated as transactions. Do this for me and Santa/ the tooth fairy/ God will reward you later. That is a transaction not respect of another individuals needs.

You can’t change your childhood. It was what it was. However, you can start to become aware of your own internal messaging.

When someone calls you- is there a slight joy or annoyance or maybe some anxiety that comes to mind? Try to resist the conditioned urge to ignore that internal message. It’s there for a reason.

Ignoring your internal messages will only bring about more confusion, frustration, and ignorance in the future.

I’d see my father get frustrated throughout the day. Sometimes he’d burst out in a loud expression of anger over things that would normally not bother him. After he’d yelled,  hit one of us, and sent everyone away…. He’d once in awhile break down crying.  Apologizing for the bruises and as I held him weeping in my little girl arms, I remember my own confusion at his behavior.  I had concluded that this “adult” thing was scary and that sudden outbursts were just a normal part of life.

I often wonder if he’d been taught a different definition of normal….would that have saved his life?

If he had been taught as a young boy that being poisoned by his mom so she could “take care of him" was not healthy behavior.

If he had been taught as a teenager to make sure females giving you attention were for healthy reasons and not just to make some other girl jealous.

If the Marines had taught him that there is a time to shut off emotion but also a time to reconnect with your emotions.

Would he have lived more than 37 years? Would he have been able to find balance and purpose?

His pains were very valid but because he had been told to shun and ignore his pain all his life….he never healed.

I know that’s why I haven’t killed myself no matter how painful my own experiences have been. My first tat is a quote from one my father’s old Marine magazines.  “The truth is you always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it"

I was forced out of my children’s lives by my mother. And sure I could be fighting in and out courtrooms. Dealing with her moving again and again to find new people to tell new lies about me to.

But to respect my own children I chose instead to heal. To build a strong financial foundation for their future . 

I am but one human and my pain is valid.

Why Live 1.8

1.8 Pain is a Part of Life.

Not following your urges isn’t any fun. I get that.

Staying in for the evening to learn a new skill instead of going out to spend time with your hot ass crush isn’t going to be emotionally rewarding. I know. Trust me, I do.

But life can be bigger than the endless search for happiness. (Which, FYI, is pointless because it can’t biologically be sustained for long periods of time anyways)

Ask any athlete or master of their craft and they will tell you that pain is a part of life.

Pushing through the discomfort of learning a new language is a different kind of pain than tolerating a person in your life who always verbally abuses you.

I learned that as I began to heal, my tolerance for pain and even the potential for pain became very low. In fact, my brain over compensated by seeing every action as an attack to my character. I became a major loner, not talking to a single person for days at a time.

It took some practice but I have learned how to see when someone is giving me helpful feedback on my behavior vs when someone is trying to manipulate me.

Most of maturing is in learning the subtleties of life.

 For example:

Fresh air is healthy but H2S gas will kill you. 

It’s important you learn the difference. Especially if you work or live near oil fields.

A friend who will hold you accountable is healthy but a person who will always cut you down can kill your self confidence. 

There is pain in taking self accountability for your actions. There is a different pain in learning and continuing new habits. These pains are a part of life and do not need to be avoided.

Avoid the pain of people who betray your trust. Of people who actively try to get others to shun you. These pains are artificially created by unhealed people and you do not need to hurt yourself for them.

Seek out the pain of learning a new skill. Seek out the pain of maturing into a healthier version of yourself.  These pains are artificially created by you and it’s healthy to grow.

Pain is a part of life but the great part is that you get to choose which pains you continue with.

I experience pain as a writer. I’ll get into a project and forget about social engagements sometimes losing friendships. I have word counts and deadlines to meet at the expense of other activities I’d prefer such as reading other people’s books. 90% of my conversations are about my past, current, or next book.

These really do cause me emotional pain and yet I choose them again and again with gusto.

Life will always have pain so start consciously choosing which pains you allow into your life.

You choose by setting boundaries. For example, I miss out on social engagements because my phones are always on silent mode. I can’t have a brilliant idea be interrupted by a spam bot. 

You choose by sticking to your habits. For example, I am not in the habit of entertaining MPIs (Matthew Hussey's term for people who put in minimum possible investment to get your attention) which makes it easy for me to drop people who would just waste my time.

You choose by knowing your priorities.  For example, good gut health is a high priority for me so it’s now easy for me to say no to ice cream or cake.

You really need to wrap your head around the reality that no matter what you choose in life, there will be pain associated with it. 

And you need to take accountability for your ability to take control of the pains in your life.

So learn which pains you absolutely will not tolerate and which ones you want to actively seek out.

Because pain can be a beautiful part of life.

Why Live 1.7

1.7 Wounding Me Will Not Heal You.

“It was just a prank, learn to take a joke"

Was the response every time I told family members that they did not have the right to shame me, hurt me, or betray my trust.

People seek retaliation and revenge as a means to have immediate emotional gratification. 

Patience does not seem to come easily to people who are still hurting emotionally. So they justify their impatience with excuses and self importance.

However, wounding others does not “teach them a lesson”, it hurts them and now adds another thing for them to try to survive through. Making it even more confusing and difficult to figure out how to fit in socially.

People who get pleasure from wounding others are looking to view themselves as important, special, or righteous. But they really are just weak emotionally, ignorant of the real causes behind people’s behavior, and empowered by self delusion.

It’s instinct to fight back, I get it. When humans live outside of society that retaliation response helps them to survive. So we all have the urge to retaliate. No sense in trying to deny this fact.

But if you’re reading this book right now then you are not surviving off the land and you are not fighting to stay alive on a daily basis. So that urge, that instinct, is no longer beneficial in modern society.

Yes, we are still animals but that doesn’t mean we can excuse away barbaric behavior.

Using violence, spreading lies, social manipulation, and gas lighting are all examples of emotionally weak behavior.

I was an adult before I heard of EQ. It’s like IQ but instead of evaluating your intelligence, it evaluated your emotional abilities. There are different tests offered to test your EQ online with varying ways of measuring it.

Now a days you can find many books on the subject and I highly recommend that you read a few. I always recommend reading books to learn new skills!

We are social beings and as such we will always be pulled emotionally by those around us. It helps to understand what emotions are (the mammalian brain communicating) and what messages you are internalizing (your values and beliefs) so that you can then adjust or adapt your habits and behaviors.

Think about this:

Our first experiences are obviously as helpless infants. The neocortex (the “you" you identify as) is not fully formed yet so there is no filter from your desires to your behaviors.

When a person can’t overcome an oppression, the brain adapts to survive by accepting the behavior as acceptable. 

You see this clearly in households where violence is common and valued. I actually witnessed a new mother start to violently hit her toddler in the face with a metal spatula because she said her father used to hit her in the face with his leather belt. Her toddler brain had internalized that being beat in the face was acceptable parental behavior. 

The human brain is capable of amazing things such as visualizing experiences we’ve never actually had- that’s how we get our favorite fictional books.

It is capable of mistaking a rubber hand for our own when hit with a mallet.

And yes, it is capable of wounding others for our own pleasure.

But you don’t  have to be a mindless primate chasing after every one of your urges.

You are a modern human capable of reading, self evaluating, and of choosing healthy habits regardless of your emotional urges.

So the next time you think about “pranking" someone to get back at them or have the urge to hit someone because they aren’t acting in the ways that you want them to- stop and think.

Your actions will cause a new emotional wound in the other person but will not heal whatever pain you are currently figuring out. 

A short term surge of joy is a really stupid excuse for hurting another person. 

Why Live 1.6

1.5 Be Accountable for Healing.

I read somewhere “The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that they all know the right thing to do but only the successful ones actually do it.”

Social media is flooded with positive, motivational memes. 

Chances are good that you know someone who posts all these happy status updates and yet in person they are always complaining about how bad their life is.

You must be accountable for your healing.

You.

No one else can do the emotional work for you.

It’s human nature to conserve energy where possible. And healing emotionally takes a tremendous amount of energy so your body will tell you to rest and your brain will tell you to go do that other activity that makes you happy instead.

Expect this natural resistance and walk through it with the grace of a toddler dominating the inflatable pool during a hot summer.

Have you ever been to a self help seminar where they ask for a volunteer to come up and sit in a chair? Usually an enthusiastic person trots up and sits down. The host then says “ok, now try to stand up"

So they stand.

The host then corrects them “No, you didn’t listen. I didn’t say to stand up.”

Now the standing person looks confused and sits back down.

The host then continues “Let’s do this again. Don’t stand up. TRY to stand up.”

The person usually protests that trying is just a thought. So they continue to sit there.

Which is exactly the point. Trying is an idea. It is only through taking action will you get any results.

And here’s the thing- quitting is rewarded. Your body will feel better when you engage with a distraction. Your mind and mood will lift when you avoid the uncomfortable stuff. Your social network will be happy that you are “fun" to be around.

I’ve seen it first hand that my emotional growth lost me many people.

They refused to talk about self help habits, they would harass me to “smile more" when I was working through something, and they usually tried social manipulation tactics on me to try to modify my behavior back to toxic habits that benefited their comfort zone.

The few I have met again years later are still in the same toxic habits. Still complaining about their life, still struggling with money, still in and out of drama, and still shun people who talk about healing emotionally.

It baffles me why so many act like talking about emotions is a bad thing. To fully feel an emotion then draw a new internal message from it is how we work.

It’s like having to walk through a long hallway that has a bunch of furniture in random places. Most people want to walk through it in the dark, hurting themselves as they hit random obstacles, instead of taking the time to find the light switch first.

From my perspective that’s not “easy" or “better". I’d like to know what obstacles I’m facing so that I can remove them before I get hurt.

Step 1: fully feel an emotion.

Step 2: create a new internal message.

Step 3: adapt new habits that support your new message.

You already work this way! So take conscious control of the process.

Your boss bypasses you for a raise?

Old Step 1- you feel anger and entitlement. 

Old Step 2- you conclude he’s a jersey and this job isn’t worth your efforts.

Old Step 3- you slack off at work.

TAKE CONTROL 

New step 1- you feel anger and entitlement.

New step 2- you conclude that raise is going to be worth any and all efforts to attain it.

New step 3- you put in extra efforts at work.

Note that the feeling stayed the same. The emotion DOES NOT determine your response. It is the internal messages that you create for yourself that hold the power over your actions.

Why Live 1.5

1.5 Be Accountable for Healing.

I read somewhere “The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that they all know the right thing to do but only the successful ones actually do it.”

Social media is flooded with positive, motivational memes. 

Chances are good that you know someone who posts all these happy status updates and yet in person they are always complaining about how bad their life is.

You must be accountable for your healing.

You.

No one else can do the emotional work for you.

It’s human nature to conserve energy where possible. And healing emotionally takes a tremendous amount of energy so your body will tell you to rest and your brain will tell you to go do that other activity that makes you happy instead.

Expect this natural resistance and walk through it with the grace of a toddler dominating the inflatable pool during a hot summer.

Have you ever been to a self help seminar where they ask for a volunteer to come up and sit in a chair? Usually an enthusiastic person trots up and sits down. The host then says “ok, now try to stand up"

So they stand.

The host then corrects them “No, you didn’t listen. I didn’t say to stand up.”

Now the standing person looks confused and sits back down.

The host then continues “Let’s do this again. Don’t stand up. TRY to stand up.”

The person usually protests that trying is just a thought. So they continue to sit there.

Which is exactly the point. Trying is an idea. It is only through taking action will you get any results.

And here’s the thing- quitting is rewarded. Your body will feel better when you engage with a distraction. Your mind and mood will lift when you avoid the uncomfortable stuff. Your social network will be happy that you are “fun" to be around.

I’ve seen it first hand that my emotional growth lost me many people.

They refused to talk about self help habits, they would harass me to “smile more" when I was working through something, and they usually tried social manipulation tactics on me to try to modify my behavior back to toxic habits that benefited their comfort zone.

The few I have met again years later are still in the same toxic habits. Still complaining about their life, still struggling with money, still in and out of drama, and still shun people who talk about healing emotionally.

It baffles me why so many act like talking about emotions is a bad thing. To fully feel an emotion then draw a new internal message from it is how we work.

It’s like having to walk through a long hallway that has a bunch of furniture in random places. Most people want to walk through it in the dark, hurting themselves as they hit random obstacles, instead of taking the time to find the light switch first.

From my perspective that’s not “easy" or “better". I’d like to know what obstacles I’m facing so that I can remove them before I get hurt.

Step 1: fully feel an emotion.

Step 2: create a new internal message.

Step 3: adapt new habits that support your new message.

You already work this way! So take conscious control of the process.

Your boss bypasses you for a raise?

Old Step 1- you feel anger and entitlement. 

Old Step 2- you conclude he’s a jersey and this job isn’t worth your efforts.

Old Step 3- you slack off at work.

TAKE CONTROL 

New step 1- you feel anger and entitlement.

New step 2- you conclude that raise is going to be worth any and all efforts to attain it.

New step 3- you put in extra efforts at work.

Note that the feeling stayed the same. The emotion DOES NOT determine your response. It is the internal messages that you create for yourself that hold the power over your actions.

Why Live 1.4

1.4 You Need to Heal.

Here is 1 of the most painful lessons I’ve learned in my 37 years: time does NOT heal all.

The only thing that heals wounds is the process of fully healing.

There is no way around this fact.

The only way to heal is to heal.

You can ignore those little emotions and self doubts for years. But they will never actually leave you in peace until you heal.

Healing is messy- that’s why most people avoid it with gusto.

You must experience uncomfortable emotions, you must accept that the “you" you identify as is not alone in your brain, and you gotta wrestle with the fact that you don’t know much more than you’ll ever know.

Many spiritual practices promise a “release of suffering" when you stop being logical and “let it go with" whatever deity they want you to endorse.

And that’s what most people do because it feels good to avoid.

But that low self esteem you avoided with video games at age 12 is still there when you avoid it with multiple sexual partners in your 20s. And yes, it’s still there when you avoid it by following your favorite TV program in your 40s.

Only now the problem is even worse because you’ve avoided it for so long, you can’t even remember what events lead you to conclude that your worth was less than others.

Healing means to learn that an event happened and, in response, you internalized a message to yourself.

Where 1 person is told they are fat and internalize a message that fat = rejection = bad…. Another kid might internalize the message fat = special = good.

The healing really starts when you realize the event is not significant. It is the internal message that has power over you now.

In a rape recovery group one woman internalized that she is weak for being an easy target. Another woman internalized that her attacker was a weak man because he didn’t have the skills to get a woman without force. Same event but very different internal messages.

You need to heal.

You need to identify your internal messages- forget trying to remember your past.

Then you need to rewrite the internal messages to be healthy for you moving forward.

It is simple but very difficult.

And don’t forget that hurt people hurt people. So if you’re hurting then you’ve already surrounded yourself with other hurt people.

They benefit from your unhealed state. As you begin to heal and adopt newer healthier habits for yourself- more often than not you’ll lose your social group.

That can be devastating to many people. We are, after all troop animals. Our bodies are wired to interact with others so losing someone you’re emotionally attached to is very painful.

That means along with the pain of healing, you must adjust to the pain new losses as well.

You need to heal.

You may even really want to heal.

But until you put in the effort, until you evaluate your internal messages and change them….you will not heal. You will be hurting and hurt people hurt people.

My father experienced things in war that I’ve never even had to consider surviving. He was proud if his Marines stickers and American leather jacket.

Yet as a young girl, I would hold his weeping face in my lap as he asked how the world could be so cruel.

You need to heal for your own pain to end.

You need to heal so you stop hurting others.

You need to heal so that you can teach the next generation how to heal.

This is worthy of your efforts.

Yes, there will be discomfort.

Yes, there will be unknowns.

And yes, you’ll have to figure most of this shit out on your own.

If I could have helped my father learn anything in his 37 years of life, I would have shown him how to heal.

You need to heal.

Why Live 1.3

1.3 Aim For Healthy.

When I am in a situation,  I always ask myself “What is the healthy outcome?”

I see this a lot with my friends who are dating. They like someone and start putting in all these efforts to make the other person like them. Eventually their efforts pay off and the 2 are blissfully in love….for a few months. Then it ends quickly and completely. 

What happened? Well, my friends were so focused on if they could woo their crush that they never stopped to think if that person was the healthy partner needed for a long lasting partnership.

I have learned that I will never be perfect. No matter how amazing my clothes or hilarious my jokes or tidy my house is. I will simply never be capable in my lifetime to attain perfection.

As a result, I have found that when I aim to be healthy in any given situation… the results usually play out in my favor in the long run.

I aim to be healthy for myself.

When eating, I aim to eat unprocessed foods and to have vitamins daily. That way, when I occasionally want a piece of cake, I am not throwing off my mood for the entire day.

When sleeping, I black out the room, avoid any blue light devices for an hour then take my melatonin and rest deeply. That way, those occasional all nighters of writing, I still function well.

I aim to be healthy for others.

I study different ways of communicating such as NLP and nonviolent communication so that I can effectively connect with others.

I study 12 language and try to understand the variety of cultural values so that I have more empathy for differences. 

I never have an argument anymore- because I am genuinely curious about the other person’s views so there is nothing for them to defend against.

It’s about being healthy. When I know why they do what they do then I can be on their team. I can help them get what they seek in a manner that allows me to get what I seek too.

I aim to be healthy for the next generation.  

When I go visit others I could easy tell their kids not to ask questions and to leave me alone. But instead I usually bring little puzzles or projects to help them with. 

The last time I visited my favorite little nugget, I brought 2 metal bookshelves that she assembled using only a kid sized screwdriver.

We counted the screws for each shelf and I’d always ask “What do you think we do next?”

Sure she had a few times where her choice of the next piece didn’t work. When that happened I would say with joy in my voice “uh oh! We made a mistake, now we have more information!  Yey!” and give her a big hug then high five.

Because that’s a valuable life lesson: we are enriched by our mistakes in life.

I aim to be healthy in my failures.

I came from a childhood where mistakes were guarantees of screaming, ridicule, and violence of some form. Not to mention the number of times it would be brought up later as “proof" of my incompetence as a human.

It didn’t matter that no one taught me anything about what I was trying to do. The only thing that mattered to them was to feel good in the communal shaming of my character. They were accepted and I was rejected. 

When I fail today, a simple forgetting to plug the lamp in, I still feel the urge to defend myself and then to shun myself away.

That’s not healthy. So when I catch myself doing those old toxic behaviors, I do a pattern Interrupt. I laugh instead of cry. Or I ask for a hug instead of leave the room. These decisions are monumentally terrifying to me and a part of my healing.

Why Live 1.2

1.2 “Bad” is a Judgment.

Stop and think.

In order to look down at an object, you must first be above it.

So now think about this- in order to judge another a person you must first assume that you are entitled to put a value on them.

When you declare a person as “bad" what you’re actually doing is avoiding taking personal responsibility for not understanding why that person behaves the way that they do.

I have been told that I’m a “bad" person for refusing to let people yell at me, hit me, or shame me.

I have learned that when someone tells me I’m “bad" it’s because they want me to internalize that belief. To submit to their demands and to give up my own needs to make it easier for them to get their way.

Yet I have always know a truth- a person can not “be bad". A person can have a behavior that you disagree with. Or an opinion that you don’t hold as your own. The person is not “bad" as a whole. 

Next time you want to label someone as “bad", try instead to label their specific behavior or opinion as “something you disagree with". Take self accountability for your own behaviors and opinions being different than what you are experiencing through this other person.

I have distinct memories of my father, after being violent to me, telling me “I still love you, I just don’t love what you did". 

Since he had declared himself capable of judging my behavior as “bad", he felt entitled to use violence. Which taught me nothing. 

My pain was for his emotional benefit.

In my own life now, I have learned to humble myself to the reality that they did what they did for a reason and with a motivation that I’m just not understanding at the moment.

A 4 year old child started to draw permanent marker on all the doors of our rented apartment. I could have followed my father’s example to use violence. Or my mother’s example to reject and shun.

Violence taught me that I’m not worthy of respect and shunning taught me that I’m not wanted. 

Both crippling lessons that I still struggle with multiple times a day at 37 years old.

So I chose a different experience for my son. I asked him to do an experiment with me in which we washed the door with soapy water to see if the marker comes off. It didn’t. Then we tried other mediums such as pencils, dirt, and chalk. And ranked them in order of efficiency. Afterwards we celebrated with high 5s and a silly dance. The door eventually had to be repainted at my expense.

True, my way always takes much longer. My father got instant satisfaction when his hand bruised my butt and my mother got instant gratification from forcing me to leave her sight. But how did I gain any useful knowledge of life skills?

In the door situation,  my own emotional reward came weeks later when my son came back from a neighbor’s. She explained to me that my son had explained to her son why chalk is better to draw on walks. The 2 young boys had apparently doodled all over the wall… then asked for soapy water so they could clean up their experiment. 

She confessed she had “never seen anything like it” and expressed confusion over how to respond. I suggested she start substituting learning experiments instead of scolding.

Sure, it’s easy to hit someone or shun someone because you decided you’re entitled to label them as “bad".

But next time, maybe stop and think. Teach a life long skill instead of seeking your own immediate gratification. 

“Bad" is a judgment. It’s a way for you to stay self absorbed with your self importance and to stay ignorant with your self righteousness about how many others you are hurting for your own gain.

Why Live 1.1

1 Hurt People Hurt People.

I have learned this over the years- when someone is being hurtful towards me it is because they are the ones hurting. Their actions towards me are usually ignorant or misguided attempts to ease their own suffering. I am not an important factor. 

1.1 “Good” is An Opinion.

There is a popular American saying “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” Which is horrible advice.

People are different and have different needs. What is comforting to me may be very uncomfortable for you. 

As babies we experience this because we must suffer through the ignorance of all those around us 24/7.

 A movie at a “comfortable” noise level for an adult can cause actual hearing loss in an infant. Yet the adult will get angry at the infant when they start to cry in pain. As that child gets older the parent starts to psychologically abuse with the concept of being a “good" kid. Which, it doesn’t take long to figure out, “good" just practically means “give up your own urges, give up on your own desires, and neglect your own needs for the parents whims".

Then we get old enough to visit other houses and we learn that what is “good" at home isn’t at other places. 

For many of us, this questions our entire self image. After all, by this time we have spent at least a decade trying to be “good" so that we can be socially accepted. This is when we have some outside information and can start to form our own opinion of what is “good". Then most of us start to socially reward those we consider “good" in whatever manners we like to be socially rewarded in.

Which brings us back around to that saying “Treat others the way you would like to be treated".

We have all experienced a situation in which we do something, an act of kindness, for another. We are proud of our efforts and want to see the other person’s smiling face at our show of affection. Yet when the event happens, the other person displays negative emotions. Instead of a positive experience,  it quickly becomes an uncomfortable situation. 

Most people will get defensive in these types of uncomfortable situations and then react with negative energy back. I used to be most people.

But I have learned to see the situation not for confusing rejection but for what it is- a miscommunication. 

What I interpreted as a kind act was not received as positive. My affection got lost in translation.

I always anchor myself in remembering that my intention is affection. Therefore, it does not matter the attention (positive or negative) that I get.

“Good” is just an opinion. Therefore, no matter what I go through, I have the option to hold the opinion that “good" is happening all the times that I hold my intention as affection.

At this point in my life when someone tells me that I am not being a “good" anything, I tell them that I honor their opinion and that I will kindly agree to disagree. 

An opinion can be changed.

At one point in my life I saw it as “good" to loudly stand up for myself in social situations. Now, I see it as “good" to calmly recognize that the person attacking my character doesn’t know me but is instead reacting off of a script that they cultivated long before they even met me. 

As a young girl I was told it was “good" to let a man have access to my body whenever he wanted. Now, I see it is “good" to have boundaries about who is allowed to touch my body. 

So the next time you hear someone talk about “good", remember that they really mean “in their current opinion". 

I have learnt to be comfortable not being everyone’s definition of “good". I suggest you try this lesson for yourself. 

Back to my roots

 Live, learn, UPGRADE

Life is a MASSIVE situation of cause and effect. Most people try to comfort themselves with tales of magical beings in the sky. But they are just fairy tales.

The best a human can do is protect themselves, as best as they know, how from the pains of life and let in, as best as they know how, the joys.

Healthy boundaries are needed. 

And that has come to be my life purpose- to teach others what reality is and how to set healthy boundaries around that reality.

All the pain I see is caused by people refusing reality and/or not having healthy boundaries around reality.

So I will spend the rest of my years learning for myself and sharing my lessons learned.

I am at peace living my purpose.

"You Got LAZY"

Met up with a good friend. Those were the first words out of his mouth. And he is right.

I wanted to work from home so that I could raise my kids. That didn't happen.

I wanted to still be in their life but I have a toxic mother. 

Life happens beyond my control and damn it, I'm going to build the life I have dreamed of.

I just have to modify it that I'm doing it alone.

And I'm closer than I've ever been before- which is WHY I feel so lost...

Because I am so far from my comfort zone.

So be lost.

Make the choices.

Redirect.

Hit my targets.

Get passive income then my kids back.

And live...

Enjoy...

Be.

Comfort Zones

For the first time in my life I am financially stable under my own efforts. There is nothing to run away from. Nothing to fight toward. No more survival mode. So it's natural that my progress stalled. I think the real journey moving forward is "What do I want to build?" I'm slowly getting that answer and continuously making small progress in visualizing my future. Move closer...stay longer...