Why Live 1.11

1.11 Sadness of Expectations 

Next time that you are sad instead of asking “why am I sad?” try asking “what expectations did I have that weren’t met?”

This does 2 things for you. 1) it allows you to evaluate something that is within your control- your expectations and 2) it allows you to be accountable that you’re feeling sad because of you not some outside force.

I get it, you had an expectation about how the situation should have gone. But then it didn’t work in your favor. Bummer.

Now is the time to evaluate if you had realistic expectations. 

As a writer, I’m always expecting projects to happen quickly. Probably because my mind is constantly running over ideas and possibilities. But, inevitably, I don’t meet a deadline or people who promised to buy my book suddenly vanish. 

I have learned that expecting people to be able to keep up with my mind (yes, even myself) or to expect people to keep their verbal agreements is setting me up for a sadness session later on.

I will admit, it’s kinda cool when I can realistically predict how I’ll emotionally react to something before it actually happens. And sometimes I even doubt if I’ll be right about how I will feel so, as a self experiment, I’ll let it play out just to see.

That’s all the hold my emotions have on me anymore- an idle curiosity for when I have the time.

I have learned to go into all social situations with a detached curiosity.  Not expecting anything to happen. Just “rolling the social dice" and seeing what comes up. 

Many of my closest connections have come from this approach. I go about my life, pursuing my goals, and leaving myself open to see how people choose to express themselves. 

I’ve had friends call me up and say “I felt really sad the other day and thought of calling you but I knew you’d just ask me what my expectations were so I journalled instead…” 

I take pride that I have a consistency of character that I can help friends even when I am not there.

Because we all have expectations, always. It’s a conscious effort to accept the unknown. It’s bravery to be vulnerable.

And, personally, I appreciate my feelings of sadness. They have guided me many times to discover my deeper expectations and then I am freed to evaluate if my expectations are healthy.

I was sad a man didn’t call me when he said he would- decided that was a healthy sad and thanked myself for having that expectation.

Another time I was sad that I only wrote 3 chapters of a book in a day where many outside forces required my time- decided that expecting myself to be able to control 100% of my environment was not healthy.

Again- the emotion is meaningless until we assign it a value with our internal messages.

Just because you feel sadness does not mean you need to slow down, cry, or eat ice cream. It just means you had an expectation not being met.

Now you can either meet your own expectations or change them.

Take accountability for your emotions- not blame.

There is nothing wrong or “bad" about being responsible for your emotions. Being responsible is not the same as being 100% in control. So don’t set that expectation.

You aren’t in control. You’re just responsible for understanding the internal messages and choosing your actions.

I know, when you’ve been sad a long time, it takes a toll on you. You don’t have as much motivation, chances are you don’t have a strong social group to guide you, and your body will be giving you messages to conserve energy.

“Just sleep. Just watch 1 more season.”

In these times you need to change your expectations of yourself first. 

Feeling sad is ok. Refusing to evaluate your expectations and staying stuck emotionally is unhealthy.

You owe it to yourself, what do you expect?