Why Live 1.2

1.2 “Bad” is a Judgment.

Stop and think.

In order to look down at an object, you must first be above it.

So now think about this- in order to judge another a person you must first assume that you are entitled to put a value on them.

When you declare a person as “bad" what you’re actually doing is avoiding taking personal responsibility for not understanding why that person behaves the way that they do.

I have been told that I’m a “bad" person for refusing to let people yell at me, hit me, or shame me.

I have learned that when someone tells me I’m “bad" it’s because they want me to internalize that belief. To submit to their demands and to give up my own needs to make it easier for them to get their way.

Yet I have always know a truth- a person can not “be bad". A person can have a behavior that you disagree with. Or an opinion that you don’t hold as your own. The person is not “bad" as a whole. 

Next time you want to label someone as “bad", try instead to label their specific behavior or opinion as “something you disagree with". Take self accountability for your own behaviors and opinions being different than what you are experiencing through this other person.

I have distinct memories of my father, after being violent to me, telling me “I still love you, I just don’t love what you did". 

Since he had declared himself capable of judging my behavior as “bad", he felt entitled to use violence. Which taught me nothing. 

My pain was for his emotional benefit.

In my own life now, I have learned to humble myself to the reality that they did what they did for a reason and with a motivation that I’m just not understanding at the moment.

A 4 year old child started to draw permanent marker on all the doors of our rented apartment. I could have followed my father’s example to use violence. Or my mother’s example to reject and shun.

Violence taught me that I’m not worthy of respect and shunning taught me that I’m not wanted. 

Both crippling lessons that I still struggle with multiple times a day at 37 years old.

So I chose a different experience for my son. I asked him to do an experiment with me in which we washed the door with soapy water to see if the marker comes off. It didn’t. Then we tried other mediums such as pencils, dirt, and chalk. And ranked them in order of efficiency. Afterwards we celebrated with high 5s and a silly dance. The door eventually had to be repainted at my expense.

True, my way always takes much longer. My father got instant satisfaction when his hand bruised my butt and my mother got instant gratification from forcing me to leave her sight. But how did I gain any useful knowledge of life skills?

In the door situation,  my own emotional reward came weeks later when my son came back from a neighbor’s. She explained to me that my son had explained to her son why chalk is better to draw on walks. The 2 young boys had apparently doodled all over the wall… then asked for soapy water so they could clean up their experiment. 

She confessed she had “never seen anything like it” and expressed confusion over how to respond. I suggested she start substituting learning experiments instead of scolding.

Sure, it’s easy to hit someone or shun someone because you decided you’re entitled to label them as “bad".

But next time, maybe stop and think. Teach a life long skill instead of seeking your own immediate gratification. 

“Bad" is a judgment. It’s a way for you to stay self absorbed with your self importance and to stay ignorant with your self righteousness about how many others you are hurting for your own gain.