Why Live 1.4

1.4 You Need to Heal.

Here is 1 of the most painful lessons I’ve learned in my 37 years: time does NOT heal all.

The only thing that heals wounds is the process of fully healing.

There is no way around this fact.

The only way to heal is to heal.

You can ignore those little emotions and self doubts for years. But they will never actually leave you in peace until you heal.

Healing is messy- that’s why most people avoid it with gusto.

You must experience uncomfortable emotions, you must accept that the “you" you identify as is not alone in your brain, and you gotta wrestle with the fact that you don’t know much more than you’ll ever know.

Many spiritual practices promise a “release of suffering" when you stop being logical and “let it go with" whatever deity they want you to endorse.

And that’s what most people do because it feels good to avoid.

But that low self esteem you avoided with video games at age 12 is still there when you avoid it with multiple sexual partners in your 20s. And yes, it’s still there when you avoid it by following your favorite TV program in your 40s.

Only now the problem is even worse because you’ve avoided it for so long, you can’t even remember what events lead you to conclude that your worth was less than others.

Healing means to learn that an event happened and, in response, you internalized a message to yourself.

Where 1 person is told they are fat and internalize a message that fat = rejection = bad…. Another kid might internalize the message fat = special = good.

The healing really starts when you realize the event is not significant. It is the internal message that has power over you now.

In a rape recovery group one woman internalized that she is weak for being an easy target. Another woman internalized that her attacker was a weak man because he didn’t have the skills to get a woman without force. Same event but very different internal messages.

You need to heal.

You need to identify your internal messages- forget trying to remember your past.

Then you need to rewrite the internal messages to be healthy for you moving forward.

It is simple but very difficult.

And don’t forget that hurt people hurt people. So if you’re hurting then you’ve already surrounded yourself with other hurt people.

They benefit from your unhealed state. As you begin to heal and adopt newer healthier habits for yourself- more often than not you’ll lose your social group.

That can be devastating to many people. We are, after all troop animals. Our bodies are wired to interact with others so losing someone you’re emotionally attached to is very painful.

That means along with the pain of healing, you must adjust to the pain new losses as well.

You need to heal.

You may even really want to heal.

But until you put in the effort, until you evaluate your internal messages and change them….you will not heal. You will be hurting and hurt people hurt people.

My father experienced things in war that I’ve never even had to consider surviving. He was proud if his Marines stickers and American leather jacket.

Yet as a young girl, I would hold his weeping face in my lap as he asked how the world could be so cruel.

You need to heal for your own pain to end.

You need to heal so you stop hurting others.

You need to heal so that you can teach the next generation how to heal.

This is worthy of your efforts.

Yes, there will be discomfort.

Yes, there will be unknowns.

And yes, you’ll have to figure most of this shit out on your own.

If I could have helped my father learn anything in his 37 years of life, I would have shown him how to heal.

You need to heal.