Why Live 1.9

1.9 Your Pain Is Valid.

I know that we are taught to minimize our own pain to appease our caretakers.

From not going to the bathroom when we want to (potty training) to being forced to eat food we don’t want (cleaning our plate), we learn quickly to ignore our own needs for social acceptance. 

When we cried and our caretakers ignored us, our newborn brains had the instinct that we were vulnerable and studies have shown that emotional pain is physical pain.

So the pain you feel when someone ignores you, is valid. The pain you feel when you hold back from doing something that would please you, is valid.

You were just socially conditioned before you had the ability to meet your own needs.

And it doesn’t end in childhood. We must give up our needs for school and then our jobs. Most people are in this cycle so long that they are confused by their own children’s behavior. Thus many parents take pride in how early they can crush the will of their toddlers, ignore the pains expressed by these new souls.

This kind of conditioned behavior is also where you see many people adopt a “Transactional “ mindset. That humans aren’t to be respected but used for your will. After all, as children, they were never respected and just treated as transactions. Do this for me and Santa/ the tooth fairy/ God will reward you later. That is a transaction not respect of another individuals needs.

You can’t change your childhood. It was what it was. However, you can start to become aware of your own internal messaging.

When someone calls you- is there a slight joy or annoyance or maybe some anxiety that comes to mind? Try to resist the conditioned urge to ignore that internal message. It’s there for a reason.

Ignoring your internal messages will only bring about more confusion, frustration, and ignorance in the future.

I’d see my father get frustrated throughout the day. Sometimes he’d burst out in a loud expression of anger over things that would normally not bother him. After he’d yelled,  hit one of us, and sent everyone away…. He’d once in awhile break down crying.  Apologizing for the bruises and as I held him weeping in my little girl arms, I remember my own confusion at his behavior.  I had concluded that this “adult” thing was scary and that sudden outbursts were just a normal part of life.

I often wonder if he’d been taught a different definition of normal….would that have saved his life?

If he had been taught as a young boy that being poisoned by his mom so she could “take care of him" was not healthy behavior.

If he had been taught as a teenager to make sure females giving you attention were for healthy reasons and not just to make some other girl jealous.

If the Marines had taught him that there is a time to shut off emotion but also a time to reconnect with your emotions.

Would he have lived more than 37 years? Would he have been able to find balance and purpose?

His pains were very valid but because he had been told to shun and ignore his pain all his life….he never healed.

I know that’s why I haven’t killed myself no matter how painful my own experiences have been. My first tat is a quote from one my father’s old Marine magazines.  “The truth is you always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it"

I was forced out of my children’s lives by my mother. And sure I could be fighting in and out courtrooms. Dealing with her moving again and again to find new people to tell new lies about me to.

But to respect my own children I chose instead to heal. To build a strong financial foundation for their future . 

I am but one human and my pain is valid.